Doctor Cholesterol
by I Lost My Buh-Lance
Summary: Mordecai and Rigby are in the mood for some mouth-watering, delicious cheeseburgers from Doctor Cholesterol's. Nothing bad can happen with such a simple task, right?


_Author's Notes: Yes, I disclaim Regular Show, it's characters, Nintendo and __**it's **__characters, and all that junk. _

**Doctor Cholesterol**

"I just can't believe it…" said an astonished Mordecai, amazed at what he held in hands. It was something so amazing, he could hardly speak of it's magnificent glory. He only held such a sacred object in his dreams. The blue jay could scarcely believe he held it in his feather-like fingers

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" asked an equally-astounded Rigby, staring at it with large, watery eyes as the holy item shined in the light. This was something he had heard about, but he dismissed it as simply being a mythical fairytale among the public.

But no, it was true. This miraculous object, did, in fact, exist, and his best friend was clutching it in his hands.

"Mordecai…" the nocturnal groundskeeper managed to choke out before screaming in joy, "read it out loud one more time…"

With trembling wings, the plumed groundskeeper held up the beloved paper and read it's magnificent text out loud, in a dreamy, trance-like way;

_"'Dr. Cholesterol' has given out free coupons for all their good customers so they can enjoy five free delicious Heart-Destroyer burgers with a side of delicious French fries that are dripping with grease and oil and quadruple-sized sugary drinks filled with high fructose corn syrup. Come by six o  
' clock on Wednesdays and Sunday evenings to claims your meal(s)."_

Rigby gasped with a colossal grin on his face, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fell onto the floor, with his arms on his chest and both paws resting on top of one another.

Mordecai's feathery arms trembled as he held the fast-food certificate in his hands. Rigby was so excited by it that he began drooling a little with his mouth slightly hung open, making gurgling noises.

"Man," stated Mordecai, eyeing it like a pirate eyes his gold. "Now I know how that elf-guy with that sword that has to go and save that princess chick in those Nintendo games feels like when he holds that three-piece golden triangle thingy over his head."

Rigby stayed on the floor, with his eyes closed, still cherishing the magical sensation of those powerful words inscribed on the coupon. He began drooling even more as he imagined the scrumptious and gargantuan cheeseburger dripping with grease hot from the grill.

Mordecai snapped his fingers and exclaimed, "Hey Rigby!"

Rigby opened one eye, and said, "What, dude? Can't you see I'm busy drooling over here?"

Mordecai turned his entire body, and waved the golden coupon in the air, "I got an idea. Let's use this coupon, to like, get some free food!"

"No way!" cried Rigby, sitting up and flaring his nostrils "We're not _actually_ gonna use it, it's designed to just _look_ at it and taste the food with your imagination."

Rigby fell back on the floor with another mammoth and silly grin on his face, dreaming up his meal and smacking his lips at the thought of the juiciness of the burger when he took a bite.

Mordecai groaned and slammed his forehead. "No, dude, we can get _free meals_ with this thing. I'm hungry, and I'm gonna use it."

Rigby, once again, sat up quickly and flashed Mordecai and nasty glare. "No way," began Rigby, getting up to his feet, "I'll challenge you for it."

Mordecai arched his eyebrow, and he smiled a bit. "_Hmph-hmph_!" replied Mordecai, nodding his head." Ok, then. Pick your poison…"

**Mordecai and Rigby both stared each other down like dueling samurais in a very lousy old Japanese B-movie.**

"Ready…" began Rigby, smiling wickedly, as he assumed that he had this small contest in the bag.  
"Set…"

Mordecai, on the other hand, looked much more relaxed than confident. He had a small grin on his face, and his eyes were half-closed, showing no signs of hostility, worry, or competitiveness. In fact, he was _**too**_ relaxed.

"Go!"

The "no-blinking" contest had begun. Rigby stared at Mordecai with his eyes wide open, smirking at the thought that Mordecai would not be able to resist the burning of his eyes when they were dry. Rigby's tail wagged back and forth, anxiously awaiting Mordecai's submission. However, Mordecai remained as still as a statue, still with that small smirk and his eyes half-closed, almost as if he were sleepy.

"Heh-heh-heh," snickered Rigby, eyeing his friend fiendishly. "It won't be long, now…"

**Ten minutes later…**

Rigby's eyes were bloodshot and tears were streaming out of his eyes like waterfalls, and a light sweat had begun to drench his face. He trembled violently, and he grinded his teeth.

Mordecai, on the other hand, remained perfectly still, and he did not move an inch, and he _still _had the same exact expression on his face as he did ten minutes ago (bored, sleepy, etc.).

Rigby, by now, had his eyelids only meters apart, and he could no longer bear the burning pain from his non-blinking eyes. His eyes shut, and Rigby screamed as he slammed his paws over his eyelids, and he threw himself to the ground.

Mordecai still did not move a muscle, however. He maintained that same smirk, same stature, and position. For an entire ten minutes, the blue jay hadn't flinched at all.

But just then, the _real _Mordecai's head popped into the room, and he observed Rigby on the floor, screaming his lungs out and rolling in the floor, with his paws over his eyes.

"_Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh_!" giggled Mordecai, covering his beak with his wings. "_Sucker!"_

His voice was drowned out by Rigby's cries, therefore, he took an advantage of this. He leapt inside the room, grabbed the dummy, tossed it behind the couch, and imitated the pose of the dummy as perfectly as he could.

Finally, Rigby stopped hollering and shrieking, sat up, and rubbed his eyes. Mordecai grinned as he observed his defeated friend on the floor.

"_Heh-heh-heh_!" he chortled victoriously, as he pulled out the coupon. Rigby shook his head, and he uttered, "Ugh. Alright, alright…you win…"

Rigby stood up, closed his eyes and began a speech;

"_You've proven yourself to be a worthy opponent, Mordecai. You triumphed over me, fair and square. I truthfully and humbly admit defeat to you, my noble challenger. I feel proud to have dueled you, for I have learned a valuable lesson; __**Patience always wins in the end, never by**__—"_

"_Dude, stop whining and come on!_" urged Mordecai, his head popping out from the doorway as he had already begun to leave, "_Do you __**always **__have to be a big baby when you lose?"_

**As they were walking out the door, and Mordecai snatched up Benson's car keys. But just as he did, Benson's voice came sailing out from the computer room.**

"_What're you two doing with my car keys?"_

Mordecai's feathery hands hovered over the keys as he froze and heard their boss's loud, abrasive voice echo throughout the halls.

"We're just, uh, gonna get some free food at _Dr. Cholesterol's _with this coupon we've got, so…"

"'_Dr. Cholesterol's', huh? How many free meals can you get with it?"_

"You can get…" Mordecai paused for a moment, and he whipped out the coupon, re-reading how many free meals they could both receive. "…five of them."

"_In that case, since you're taking __**my**__ car, order me a Heart-Destroyer Burger with a large side of fries and a mint-vanilla shake!"  
_

Skips voice suddenly came sailing in as well from another side of the house. _"Get me one of those too, except make my milkshake strawberry-flavored!"_

Pops voice then came echoing through the halls also. _"Mordecai, Rigby, I hear you're getting some free food! Could you please order me the same thing, except could you please make my milkshake stirred, not shaken? My thanks to the two of you!"_

Mordecai and Rigby both groaned and slapped their foreheads. Not only did they have to order for others, but they had to waste their entire coupon.

"Great," whined Mordecai, picking up the keys and inserting them into the keyhole of the door. "Now we have to remember what they ordered."

He turned to Rigby and asked, "Do you remember what Benson wanted?"

"Ummmmm…" pondered Rigby, as Mordecai opened the driver's seat and Rigby opened up the back seat. "I think he said he wanted a milkshake with the bee's knees or something weird and retarded like that. I dunno, it's 'old-guy' talk."

As they both pulled out of the driveway and were on the main road, Rigby began rummaging through Benson's materials hidden in the backseats. 

"Uh, hey Rigby?" began Mordecai, as he stared at his nocturnal friend in the rear-view mirror, "I don't think Benson would like what you're doing."

"Relax, dude," declared Rigby, with only his tail shown wagging in the air, "I'm just lookin' at some stuff."

Mordecai shook his head in annoyance, and he groaned. What was _with_ Rigby anyway? Wasn't he ever taught any manners when he was younger?

Mordecai got to a red light, and he stared at it impatiently, his feathery fingers drumming on the steering wheel. As he stared at it, with all of his attention focused on the light, he heard a loud whirring sound right next to his ear.

He eyes shifted towards the right, and he saw a large, metallic drill swirling right next to his head. Mordecai cried out and shoved himself away from the drill.

Rigby cackled as he held the cordless, electric drill and pushed the trigger carelessly. Mordecai sighed and he gripped the steering wheel once again.

"_Rigby!" _scowled Mordecai, "_Put that stupid thing down! You can hurt someone! This isn't a cartoon!" _Rigby stopped cackling as he stared at the drill and continuously pressed the trigger over and over again.

"This thing's cool, isn't it?" exclaimed Rigby. He then put it on the ground where he had found it, and he found another tool: a _saw_. He waved it around and it made a wobbling sound as it vibrated. Mordecai groaned and leaned away from it.

When they finally got to the restaurant, Mordecai turned around and stated, "Rigby, we're here. Stop playing with those stupid tools and come take your order! And quit swinging that thing around, you can cut yourself or something!"

"Jeez, Mordecai," complained Rigby, as he swung the saw back and forth as if it were some kind of magic wand. "You need to chill."

Mordecai slapped his forehead in annoyance, and he drove to the drive-through.

"You really need to calm down, Mordecai. There's nothing to worry ab..."

Rigby suddenly stopped talking, and something sounding like water constantly dripping from a hole in the ceiling began hitting the carpet floor.

"Uh…Mordecai?" asked Rigby, speaking very slowly, "…Would you mind asking for some extra napkins?..."

**They both gazed at the menu, reading down it's list and discussing what kind of side dishes they could get. **

"Hmmmm…" pondered the blue jay, "maybe we should get onion rings?"

"_Bleh!"_ wretched Rigby, clutching his stomach and sticking out his tongue, "I hate onions! And we're not shopping for jewelry Mordecai, we're at '_Dr. Cholesterols'_! This is a _fast-food_ joint!"

Mordecai rolled his eyes and pulled down the window. Just as the window went completely down, Rigby interrupted by saying, "No dude, wait! Let _me _order!"

"No way!" declared Mordecai, turning his head to the excited Rigby. "Remember what happened _last _time we were at a restaurant?"

Rigby put his paw to his chin, looking off into his space as his mind faded into the deep, dark corners of his memory…

**Six months ago…**

Rigby and Mordecai were dining at a luxurious buffet, which had an international theme to it. It had Mexican flags, a sushi bar, German chocolate cake, fancy French dishes (which, in Mordecai and Rigby's own words, "tasted like crap"), American-made sodas, Italian pasta, and various other dishes from foreign countries.

Rigby scampered to his seat, clutching a white, large plate mounted with a vast variety of foreign delicacies. He had French fries, American steak, Mexican tacos, Italian pizza, Chinese pork fried rice, German Sauerkraut, and various other things.

Mordecai simply piled up his plate with something that looked like barbecued sausage, drenched in some type of sauce. It looked delicious, and Mordecai was first willing to try something simple before engorging himself with the other foreign delicacies.

They both sat down, and they both began stuffing their faces. Rigby shoved his fork into some spaghetti, twirled it, and began noisily slurping up the long, yellow noodles. Mordecai shoved his fork into one of the sausages, and he took a big chomp out of it, tasting the sauces and the meat.

"Hmmmm," uttered Mordecai, while chewing on the food. "This tastes good, but I can put my finger on the meat."

Rigby lifted his head, and with a goofy look on his face and pieces of food splattered all around his mouth, he replied, in a deep, goofy voice, "Wha'?"

Mordecai shoved his teeth into another sausage, and put the entire thing in his mouth, chewing it thoroughly, tilting his head left and right, deciding what the meat might be.

Rigby wiped his face with the elegant, silk tablecloth ( which cost a fortune, and he left a very nasty stain of grease on it), and he asked, "Well, what did the sign say that was next to each plate?"

Mordecai swallowed and said, "I dunno. There wasn't a sign on it." He stared back down at his plate, and he prepared to pick up another sausage, when a short, Italian chef with a long, moustache with curls at the end of it and a large, poofy chef's hat strode past them, and he caught a glimpse at Mordecai's meal.

But before he did, Rigby said, "I think it's a type of smoked sausage. I've had some of those before. Don't worry about it, it's probably just meat from a pig or something."

The Italian man instantly realized what Mordecai was eating, and he quickly scurried over to him with his stubby legs and pointed boots.

"Excuse-a me, sir," said the chef with a thick, Italian accent, "_But you're-a eating-a the meat-a for the dogs-a!"_

Mordecai's pupils shrunk, and his mouth hung open, letting a glob of some of his un-thoroughly chewed meat onto the plate. He stared down at the sausages, now looking quite repulsive. He lifted his eyes and he stared at Rigby, who was staring at his food just as he was.

Mordecai simply pushed his plate away slightly in front of him, took a very deep breath, stood up very slowly, and he hollered, "_Check, please!"_

"…**What? How was that **_**my **_**fault!"**

"Because, dude," declared Mordecai, giving Rigby an annoyed look, "It was _your _idea to tell me that it was pig meat."

"Yeah, but you should've asked a _chef!" _snapped back Rigby, returning the look.

"But _you're _the one who told me to '_not worry about it_!'"

"_That doesn't mean you should've believe me!"_

The static from the ancient speaker came to life, interrupting their heated debate, and the employee asked, "_Welgum uh awker coroa ay I meh orruh?"_

Mordecai scratched his head, arched his eyebrow, and replied, "Um, could you repeat that?"

The deep-voiced, mumbly speak repeated, "_ay I meh orruh?"_

"Uhhhhh….what?"

"_You deaf? Ay I meh orruh!"_

Mordecai threw his head in irritation and moaned. He stared in front of him and he could see a female employee shooing away the previous one. She ripped off the headset from his head, and placed it on herself, and she said, "Hi, welcome to _Dr. Cholesterol's, _may I take your order?"

Mordecai sighed and rolled his eyes and said, "Finally!" under his breath. He leaned out of the window and said, "Uh, yeah, could I get five 'Heart-Destroyer Burgers', all of them with a large fries?"

"_How would you like the shakes?"_

Mordecai shut one of his eyes in thought, and he remembered what the others ordered.

"Uh, make one mint-vanilla, one of them strawberry, and one of them stirred_, _not _'shaken'?_"

"_Of course. Anything else_?

"Hmmmm….nope. That's it."

The two of them drove up to the next window, anxious to get their hands on their food. They envisioned a delicious burger, drenched in mayo and ketchup, their bags soaked from the greasiness of the fries. The shakes would be made out of a sugary substance, delicious and not-at-all healthy for you. By then, their mouths were watery and their lips were smacking.

When they reached the window, Mordcai said, "Uh, yeah, I've got this coupon and…" 

But before he could finish his sentence, the cashier screamed, "_Don't call me fat! Just gimme a second!"_

It was a paranoid teenage nerd with his face covered with acne and hideous braces upon his teeth. His skin was pale and red freckles engulfed his nose and the top of his cheeks. His hair was a fiery orange and was very curly.

Mordecai just stared at him, his beak slightly hanging open and his eyes peeled in shock, still clutching the coupon in between his index finger and thumb.

The anxious teen mashed in buttons into the register, and with a trembling voice, he said, "Th-th-th-th-that'll be f-f-f-four-freakin'-dollars and thirty-cents…"

"Uh, yeah," said Mordecai, handing him the coupon, "I got one of these, so…"

"_ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! JUST HANG ON! GOD, WHY DO PEOPLE GOTTA BE SO NOSY!"_

Mordecai and Rigby both turned to each other, amazed at how paranoid and nutty this employee was. He snatched the coupon, and ran into the back, like a madman. The next few seconds was an awkward silence between the two.

Finally, the boy came back, and he handed them the food, dripping with grease just as they had hoped for. They smiled and licked their lips as they grabbed the food.

Just as Mordecai and Rigby were about to observe it, the boy began exclaiming, "_You're all the same, ya little piggies! Always comin' here with ya little coupons and furry little brothers! Let me tell ya, I promise to get revenge on the world for what they did to my cat's grandpa! You'll see…YOU'LL ALL SEEEEEE!"_

Mordecai and Rigby stared at him, wide-eyed, confused, and scared. Mordecai instantly shoved his foot on the acceleration and sped off, leaving the crazy teen in a cloud of smoke behind them. Behind them, they could still hear him guffawing maniacally.

_**Mordecai and Rigby finally returned home, with their delicious treasure in their hands, excited to sink their teeth into the burgers and fries. It felt heavy, so they MUST be large and delicious.**_

Mordecai and Rigby both burst through the door, their mouths watering and their tongues hanging out, ready to devour their delicious meals. Skips, Pops, and Benson both scampered into the room, with large grins on their faces and rubbing their hands together, just as ready as the pair of groundskeepers.

They placed the food and drinks on the tables, and began yanking out their burgers wrapped in foil and their fries.

Mordecai unwrapped his the quickest. The burger looked half as decent as he had hoped. He tilted his head as he observed it's moist bun, and the lettuce and tomatoes looked like they were just thrown on. The blue jay lifted up the top bun to witness his beloved cheese melted onto the patty.

But no. Staring back at him was the hollow and blank brownness of the patty that had spatula marks on it. It looked so empty and lifeless without cheese.

"_Ugggh!_" cried out Mordecai, throwing his head back in frustration and shaking his fist. "They forgot the cheese! Crap!"

"That's nothing!"

Rigby's voice sailed up from behind him, as Rigby held a meat patty covered with lettuce, cheese, pickles, tomatoes, mayonnaise and ketcup… but no buns. "They forgot the _buns!" _Rigby bit his lower lip, squinted his eyes, and began squealing angrily.

Mordecai blinked twice, and he stared down at his own burger. Just then, another voice shook the entire house from the top to it's bottom.

"_WHAT? WHAT IS THIS! THERE'S A DEAD RAT IN MY BURGER!" _

Benson held up his burger, revealing the tiny gray rat with a long, furless tail resting on it's side on the patty. He shook the burger violently and hollered at Rigby and Mordecai, "_IS THIS HOW YOU GET YOUR SICK, TWISTED LAUGHS! BY PUTTING DECEASED RODENTS INTO PEOPLE'S CHEESEBURGERS!"_

Mordecai stood up and shrugged, "But-but-but Benson…we didn't do it! I swear! Rigby and I just…"

Skips voice suddenly uttered, "There's a dead cockroach in my milkshake." Skips put the lid back on the cup, closed his eyes, and shook his head. "When are you guys gonna grow up, huh? How about you act your ages, and not your shoe-sizes for a change?"

Rigby spoke and defended himself. "Skips, me and Mordecai didn't do anything! Honest! All we did was…"

Pops sprinted into the room, sobbing his eyes out and clutching the bag. As he screamed and tears streamed down his face, through his bawling, he said, "_L-L-look at what those two put in my bag!"_

He turned the bag over to the open side, and a bunch of rocks came tumbling out. The cup was just a cup full of pebbles, and his fries were a bunch of ball-point pens.

All three turned to Rigby and Mordecai, their angered (and Pops) faces spoke for themselves, demanding an explanation for all of this.

Mordecai and Rigby turned to each other, baffled by what was going on. They didn't do anything. All they did was order the food. They didn't pull off any pranks or anything of the sort. All they wanted was a good, greasy, heart-attack inducing meal from Doctor Cholesterol.

"But…But…" stuttered Mordecai, pathetically trying to defend himself. "But…I…"

Everyone threw their food on the table and stormed out of there, grumbling about their twisted practical jokes.

Rigby approached Mordecai and stood next to him. He crossed his arms, shut his eyes, and shook his head slowly. "See that, Mordecai? I told you, coupons are meant to be _stared _at, not used…"

_Author's Notes: This story had a bit of a longer ending, but I decided to cut it short, where one character ends with a comment with a touch of irony. Also, I decided to use some of the jokes I used for the deleted ending in another Regular Show fanfiction, seems some of the jokes I wrote seem a lot funnier with another oneshot I have in mind. But, hopefully, deleting the original ending didn't lower the quality of comedy in this story. Please be kind and review (critique, if you will). Thank you!_


End file.
